You've Got Mail (It's From Her)
by ThisNightisFlawless
Summary: Selena writes Demi a letter, and Demi writes back. Mitchie/Alex, Carter/Rosie, Demi/Selena. CHANGED LAST NAMES, LEGAL
1. Chapter 1

_Demi,_

_I'm writing you this letter for a lot of different reasons. And all I want is for you to understand. If you don't, that's okay too. I just need to know that I tried to explain why I am the way I am, why I've done the things I've done, and why even after so many long years, I'm still trying not to cry. _

_I'm writing you because I'm thankful. I'm thankful for luck. It was luck that we stumbled upon each other over a decade ago in a sea of thousands of other strangers. I'm thankful for coincidences and for that little bow that was on your head the very first time I saw you. I'm thankful for your strength and courage. You are an icon to so many people, you've been one to me our entire lives. I'm thankful for you because you taught me the meaning of friendship. You taught me what loyalty was and how wonderful it felt to have someone standing beside you no matter what the day brought. You taught me how to love, how to really just love someone without fear or hesitation and how to give yourself to them. When we were fourteen and got reunited in California, we watched old episodes of Charlie Brown until 3 AM, you turned to me and kissed me so gently that I wasn't sure it happened. I remember opening my eyes and seeing that goofy smile on your face, you were so nervous. I asked you what you did it for and you just shrugged and told me that you didn't know. And damn it, if that wasn't foreshadowing. And I didn't know either, so I leaned right back over and kissed you. You told me it just felt like the right thing to do, and that is what love is. It's the right thing to do, and you taught me that. You did, Dem. You taught me how to love. In every sense of the word. And I am forever thankful for that. _

_I'm writing you because I'm proud of you. I remember finding you in your bathroom floor that night when we were fifteen. You were so pale and so cold, and your parents were gone. I remember calling 911 then coming back to gather you up in my arms and rocked you back and forth, swearing to you that it was going to be okay. I remember how small you felt, how broken and tiny. We were both covered in your blood, and I cried so hard I made myself sick. When the ambulances came, I sat in the back with you and held your hand as tightly as I could, and I kissed it when the paramedic looked away. We were still so young, still hiding things that we didn't even understand. When they told your family at the hospital that you were unconscious, it was the only time in my life when I'd known what it felt like to want to die. I could have, right then. Because the thought of going a second without you was worse. That night was also the first time I realized I was in love with you._

_And I remember getting a call the morning after you checked into treatment, and crying to my mom for hours. I was so worried and felt so guilty because I wasn't there, and I remember wondering if anyone held your hand or kissed it when no one was looking. Or if you'd found someone who didn't care who was looking. Then I felt jealously because I hadn't dealt with what had happened between us, and then felt even worse for feeling jealous because you were hurting. In a serious way. I knew it was real because you'd never ask anyone for help, not even me, when you were getting bad. _

_When I heard your voice for the first time since we'd ended things when I called TK, I cried because I could literally hear the brokenness in it. I could hear how defeated you were just by saying hello. It scared me, sometimes, you know. How much I could tell about you just by hearing a few words, even when you were worlds away from me. So I kept calling because I knew you needed it just as much as I did. I listened to your words get lighter and you laughed more and more. And you became more than your problems, that's what made me so proud. You stopped letting them make you a puppet. And you let people know. All of those years everyone told you to keep it a secret, to push it all away and move on. But not now. Now you're making so many people feel okay again, and that's what matters. That's what you do, you make people feel okay. You did it for me too, and I'll always remember that feeling. _

_I'm writing you because I'm not angry anymore. I was, for so so long. It consumed me, the way I wanted to just grab you by the shoulders, make you look me in the eyes and explain. Explain why I couldn't have any other friends without you lashing out or accusing me. Explain why you didn't need me anymore. Explain a million things that I killed my brain searching for the answers to every day for over a year. It would be easy to just call you a coward, call you a conformist and curse you for not loving me enough to take a chance. But I know our circumstances were nuts. I know you were already facing your own battles with yourself and adding a relationship with your girl best friend and the publicity and problems that would have come with it haunted you every day. I know you weren't ready for that, and I know you were just scared. I was scared too. But __I'm not angry. I forgive you, and I hope you forgive me. _

_I writing you because I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not understanding why you chose what you chose. I'm sorry for not chasing after you when you left. I'm sorry I left you just as much as you left me. I'm sorry for forgetting to call you. I'm sorry for prying when I should have left you alone. I'm sorry for the way I tangled up your hair when I played with it without paying attention. I'm sorry for calling you crazy when we got into our last fight. I'm sorry for getting too drunk and kissing you in front of your sister. I'm sorry for the other times when I made sure there was no one around to see me kiss you. I'm sorry for not calling you beautiful enough. I'm sorry for falling asleep sometimes when you woke me up to tell me about a bad dream. I'm sorry for not doing everything I could to keep you safe and to keep you, period. I wanted to keep you forever. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way. _

_Most of all, love, I'm writing you to tell you good luck. I hope you treat yourself as gently and as lovingly as you treated me. I hope you smile more every day than you did the day before. I hope you find friends who do everything they can to make sure you're healthy. I hope your talent gets all of the appreciation it deserves, because you are the most talented person I know. I hope you find a person one day who will show you how wonderful you truly are and make you believe it. You deserve that, Demi. You deserve happiness and love and success. You deserve it all, and I hope that one day you get it. _

_Thank you for loving me, Dem. I loved you, too. _

_xx Selena_


	2. Chapter 2

_Selena,_

_I'm not really sure if you were expecting a reply, but your letter made me smile and giggle and cry so much that I figured you deserved one. (And I can't lie, getting a handwritten letter from someone you haven't heard from in forever is kind of awesome.) So here's all the reasons I'm writing you back._

_I'm writing you back because you saved me, and you need to know how. Not that there weren't a million nights when I called you ready to explode, crying like a baby to you about how unhappy I felt or how badly I hated myself, but one night in particular, was the night that you completely, 100% saved my life. I had just gotten back from visiting my grandparents, remember? I was so pissed because my mom wouldn't let me come over to your house that night, even though you weren't living too far away. You were always too far for my taste even if you were just a room away back then, but that's beside the point. Anyway, I remember feeling so horrible all weekend I was away. Partly because I missed you so much, but mostly because I overheard my mom telling my grandma that I looked like I'd gained a few pounds. It ate away at me all weekend. I threw up everything I ate while I was there. And then on Sunday, we went to church with my grandparents before we came back home. The sermon was about gays, and how sinful it was to love someone of the same sex. How they'd burn in hell and how badly they were betraying God. People in the pews were screaming Amen and making disgusted faces, like we were talking about the process of fucking delivering a baby or something. I didn't understand it. On the way back to my grandparent's house to get our car and bags, my grandpa said that was one of the best sermons he'd heard all year. My mom agreed. They went on to say fags were burning in hell, gays were attention seeking, that it was just disgusting. _

_And all I could think about was you. That was before I really knew how I felt about you, before I kissed you that night in California. I remember feeling like loving you would be the easiest thing in the world. It couldn't be wrong or sinful or anything other than just right. That's how it always felt, like the right thing. And at first I was happy, thinking about loving you. Then I remembered all the things that my family had said and I became immediately so disgusted with myself. I was horrified and I felt so ashamed for thinking about you in that way. _

_I got home and threw up everything I had left in my stomach, which couldn't have been much. I cut myself three times, and sat in my bathtub for two hours sobbing. I wanted to see you, and I also wanted to get away from you. And the thought that my mom said I was gaining weight just destroyed me because I knew I was disappointing her. Never good enough. Finally, I think my body was so weak that I kind of became delirious. I was ready to just do it. Just swallow a bunch of pills I found in my mom's bathroom, cut myself a few more times and just finally go. But then you texted me and told me you missed me, and I lost it. I called you and just sat there on the phone without saying anything, just breathing. I couldn't tell you then why I was so upset, because I knew it would give away too much that I wasn't ready to admit to you yet. I remember you humming 'Yesterday' by The Beatles, and I kept crying and crying. Then you told me to open my window and you hung up. You fucking ran to my house in the middle of the night like an idiot. And you just held me. You saw my wrists and you cried too, and we just sat in my room all night crying. You told me not to ever leave you because you couldn't be without me, and I remember knowing then. I loved you. I was in love with you. _

_I'm writing you back because I'm sorry too. And I feel like I have a lot more to apologize for. I'm sorry for putting you through my craziness while we were growing up. I'm even more sorry for not being as thankful as I should have been for you then, especially since you never asked for anything in return for all you did for me. I put you through absolute hell and I know it. I'm sorry for taking so damn long to kiss you that night. I'm sorry for making you hide the way you felt about me, and I'm sorry for hiding how I felt about you. I'm sorry for going out with boys just to make my parents not suspect anything. I'm sorry for always taking my anger out on you just because you were the only one who was always there. I'm sorry for not loving you hard enough, you know? I should have given it everything I had. I'm sorry for not having the courage you needed me to have. I know you were ready. And in my heart so was I, I just wasn't in my head. I'm sorry for taking you for granted, pretty girl. You were the best friend and best fan and best lover I've ever had the pleasure of having, and I'm sorry that all of that ended. _

_I'm writing you back because I miss you. I miss holding your hand and I miss the way your hair smelled. I miss kissing you and making love to you. (Sorry, I know you hate talking about sex, but whatever, ours is worth mentioning.) I miss watching you read with your little glasses on. I miss playing you new music and watching you get so excited and nervous to play me yours. I miss all of the things that came with loving you, but I really miss being your best friend too. I miss having you there even when you were far away. I miss you telling me everything was going to be okay. I miss you getting so happy and proud when I didn't hurt myself or when I kept a meal down. I miss your support and your kindness and the size of your heart. And I miss watching you blush when I called you pretty girl. That miiiight just be what I miss most. _

_I'm joking. But really, I'm so sad that this is all sounding like a really bittersweet, really sad goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye to you. Not ever. Even though we really aren't in each others lives anymore, we always will be, won't we?_

_Thank YOU for loving ME. I wouldn't be here without you. I wouldn't be anywhere. _

_Don't forget about me, pretty girl. (I hope to GOD you blushed, even if it was just a little bit.)_

_Demi_


	3. Chapter 3

_Dem,_

_Sorry, I know it's been a few weeks since you sent your last letter. I've been so busy promoting my new movie. It's called Spring Breakers. I don't know if you've heard about it or anything, but it's really exciting and has been doing pretty well at festivals so I'm doing pretty well at the moment. And I'm doing even better after reading your letter, it made me cry honestly. Ashley (Benson) found me reading it and sobbing like a four year old in our hotel room after I finally got it from one of my managers. I told her about us. I hope that's okay with you. I know you've always been a little weary about people knowing and what they'd all think, but I guess it was so long ago that it doesn't matter, right? I didn't let her read the letter though. It's too personal. And I'd never let anyone read the things you write, I know when you write something down it's important and it's sacred to you. _

_She held me, anyway. For a really long time. She told me it was normal to get emotional about a lost love. And that hurt me, Demi. It hurts because I don't want you to be 'lost' for me, it sounds like some stranger that I could have been with but missed the chance. And we were way more than that. We were together and it was beautiful, and nothing can ever take that away from us. You aren't lost to me. There have been times when I haven't been able to find you right away, find where your head was at, but I always did. And you always found me. We never really got lost. _

_Anyway, it felt good to vent to someone about a part of my life that I've never really gotten to share. One of the most amazing, beautiful and unforgettable parts of my life. You. _

_I think I got so upset partly because I remember that night you mentioned. The one when I ran to your house and held you. I cried so hard when I read that because I didn't even know that it was that horrible, so bad that you wanted to die. I always thought they were horrible, of course, just because the thought of you hurting in any form was too much for me to handle, but I never knew you wanted to die and it broke my heart all over again when I read it because it makes me wonder how many nights you had like that before you finally told me. Or how many nights you felt that way even after you told me because you didn't feel good enough. How many nights I held you without saying anything when you didn't even want to live anymore, and how many nights after we split apart that you felt that way and I wasn't there for you. That's what hurts me the most. The regret kills me every damn day. I'll never know how many nights you got bad and I wasn't there to stop you or to hold you or to kiss you long and hard enough until it all went away. I'm sorry, once again. I know you hate when I over apologize but I'm so sorry for that, love. _

_Speaking of being sorry, stop apologizing for things that I wouldn't have done over in a million years. Never apologize for your 'craziness' while we were growing up. First of all, growing up with you and knowing you for who you really are made me into who I am. I wouldn't change it. Second of all, I can not stand it, even now, when you refer to yourself with that word. You're not crazy. You're perfect and you are wonderful and human. You are flawed, but so am I. You know that more than anyone. I over-do everything in my life. I over apologize, like you've said a million times. I over prepare, like I did on all of our dates I planned. I over react, like the time you literally got a paper cut from a script and I took you to the bathroom and kissed it over and over, then made you listen to my huge speech about how beautiful and worthy you are. Sorry for that one, again. I over write, like I'm doing now and like I did that one time I got you a Valentines Day card and filled in the entire card, front and back, with reasons that I loved you and ran out of room so I ended up getting you three cards. And I've realized within the last few years that perhaps my worst and most detrimental quality is that I over love. On days like today when I rack my brain through the last decade to try to figure out what went wrong with us, I usually come to the conclusion that I pushed too hard. I loved you so damn much that it wasn't even love anymore. It was just me pushing you and becoming too attached. I pushed you to tell our families about us, and didn't listen when you asked me not to tell my mom even though she already knew. I pushed you into letting me in way too many times, times when you weren't ready to talk or you weren't ready to let your walls down. I loved too hard and pushed you away in the process, if that even makes sense. If I could do it all over, I'd never make that mistake again. _

_So after talking to Ashley and having my emotional breakdown, I sat down and started to write you back. And I just can't find the right things to say. I want to keep writing so badly because I'm afraid that this is all we have left. I don't want to cross lines or make you feel uncomfortable, but could I call you? I just think it would be so nice to talk, you know? If you don't want to, that's okay. I would understand. I just miss your voice. I've missed it so much. I miss my best friend, Dem. _

_And yes, pretty girl made me cry a little harder, giggle, and blush just as hard as I did when we were fifteen. _

___I hope you write back. Call me, if you want to. I'd love to really hear from you. My number is still the same. _

_Sel x_


End file.
